Joke

07/01/2010

NOBODI AVAILABLE

I was going to bed the other night When my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

I phoned the police, but they told me that there was no one in my area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they become available. I said OK, hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

“Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area,an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
I replied with “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

3 LITTLE PIGS

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your
house down.” So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said,”Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!” The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!” And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said, “Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!” So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said,”I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat him up. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig,
“Who the heck were those guys?”
And the brick pig said, “Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs.”

THE MONKEY

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and Passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and kissing before they wrecked.”
The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“And what were YOU doing during all this time?”
“DRIVING” motioned the monkey.
______________________________________________________________
No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny
without leaving some mark on it forever

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Menantu Idaman VS Mertua tersayang

04/09/2009

Ini joke yang baru gua dapet dari milis tetangga, asli terpingkal pingkal sendiri ngebacanya…..so gua juga mau berbagi kelucuan ini dengan loe semua :

keluarga kartun

gambar diambil dari : karikaturdendy.com

Alkisah ada Seorang ibu yang Punya 3 menantu dari ke-3 putrinya yang cantik-cantik, sang ibu mertua ingin tahu apakah ketiga menantunya itu sayang kepada mertuanya atau cuma putrinya doang.

Dia lalu memutuskan menguji mereka secara bergantian. Suatu hari dia mengajak menantu pertama naik perahu motor ke tengah laut. Di sana dia sengaja menjatuhkan dirinya dari perahu & terlempar ke dalam air laut. Sang menantu tanpa pikir panjang langsung terjun menyelamatkan ibu mertuanya.
Besoknya ketika keluar rumah, sang menantu pertama melihat mobil Nissan Livina terparkir di depan rumah, & secarik kertas bertulisan “Dari ibu mertuamu”.

Giliran menantu ke-2 yang diajak ke tengah laut. Sekali lagi sang mertua pura-pura terjatuh & terlempar keluar perahu. Menantu kedua ini melupakan pakaian & dompetnya, langsung terjun demi menyelamatkan mertua tercinta.
Besoknya di depan rumah menantu ke-2 terparkir Toyota Alphard, disertai kertas bertuliskan “Dari ibu mertuamu”

Ketika giliran menantu ke-3 diajak ke tengah laut, sang mertua kembali melakukan gerakan terjun bebas. Tapi apes, kali ini sang menantu malah berkecak pinggang memandangi ibu mertuanya yang megap-megap di dalam air.
Sempat-sempatnya dia berkata, “Rasain loe!”, sambil berputar membawa perahunya ke darat. Besok harinya ketika menantu ini keluar rumah, di depan rumahnya terparkir Mercedes Benz S-Class terbaru beserta kertas bertuliskan, “Dari ayah mertuamu”

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NOAH IN MODERN TIMES

30/07/2009

edward-hicks-noahs-ark
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

“OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
“Six months, and it starts to rain, “thundered the Lord. “You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.”

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems.

First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,”Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?”
Noah asked, hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord sadly, “Government already has”

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Ciri Khas Film India dan Film Cina

12/07/2009

Film India dan film Cina yang sering sekali ditayangkan di stasiun-stasiun televisi Indonesia ternyata punya ciri khas sendiri. Berikut ini adalah ciri-ciri khas kedua jenis film tersebut yang berhasil kami ungkap. Apakah sudah sesuai dengan pendapat anda?

I. Ciri Khas Film Cina

china1. Yang jadi orangtua sang jagoan selalu bernasib sial dan biasanya selalu dibunuh oleh musuh saat si jagoan masih muda, dan si jagoan akan jadi yatim piatu, lalu diasuh sama orang lain sambil diajarin ilmu silat

2. Ketika seseorang terluka berat dan sekarat, ia selalu berhasil bertahan hidup dan mengucapkan beberapa kalimat untuk mengungkapkan si pembunuh sebelum kepalanya terkulai dan menyatakan dirinya telah benar2 mati..

3. Orang-orang yang mahir kungfu mampu terbang ke atas atap, ke atas pohon dan menempuh jarak jauh tanpa berkeringat. Namun saat berjalan ke kota dan desa-desa mereka tetap harus berjalan kaki atau menunggang kuda (kenapa nggak terbang aja, ya?)

4. Sang jagoan tak perlu bekerja untuk mendapatkan uang, namun selalu memiliki uang emas dan perak untuk membayar makanan mereka (jangan-jangan hasil nyolong sama nipu sana nipu sini…)

5. Sang jagoan dan sang penjahat akan saling bertemu walaupun negara mereka sangat luas dan tak peduli dimanapun mereka berada.

6. Menyembuhkan luka dalam di tubuh cukup dengan duduk bersilang kaki, telapak tangan di lutut dan asap keluar dari kepala.

7. Mereka bisa menyimpan banyak barang di baju lengan panjang mereka dan tak pernah menjatuhkannya. Terutama sedemikian banyak logam-logam emas….

8. Sang jagoan biasanya kalah duluan (Seperti film Indonesia… )

9. Sang jagoan pasti botak atau gondrong. Soalnya yang botak itu pasti si JET LEE, sedangka n yang gondrong siapa lagi kalau bukan JACKY CHAN.

10. Saat adegan duel terakhir pasti di tanah lapang (ganti tempat napa…)

11. Jika sedang bertarung pasti bunyi pukulannya khas.

12. Waktu udah terdesak, baru deh si jagoannya ngeluarin jurus rahasianya. Setelah kena jurus rahasia, si musuh pasti mendadak jadi kena virus goblok, sial, dan kalah melulu, sampe akhirnya tewas di tangan sang jagoan (kalo gitu, kenapa nggak dari awal aja ngeluarin jurus rahasianya?)

13. Saat sang jagoan menang duel bertarung dalam adegan terakhir. Sang jagoan yang terluka berjalan sendirian meninggalkan sang bandit atau musuh lalu tamat deh……..

II. Ciri Khas Film India

India 21. Jagoannya tidak akan merasa sakit saat melakukan perkelahian sengit namun akan mengaduh sakit saat seorang wanita berusaha membersihkan lukanya.

2. Tokoh jagoan cowoknya nggak pernah jatuh cinta pada jagoan wanita kecuali sebel umnya mereka menari-nari di bawah hujan.

3. Sekali dipakai make-up nya tidak pernah luntur, saat hujan ataupun saat lainnya.

4. Dua orang kekasih bisa menari-nari di tengah lapangan dan entah dari mana 100 orang lainnya akan muncul dari antah berantah dan bergabung menari bersama mereka.

5. Kalo jagoan sama ceweknya jalan bareng terus liat pohon 1 batang aja, tanpa dikomando lagi pasti mereka langsung nari-nari ngelilingin itu pohon (gimana kalo mereka jalan-jalan ke Kebun Raya, ya? Bisa nari terus tuh bawaannya… hahaha… )

6. Pada babak akhir, sang jagoan akan menyadari bahwa si tokoh jahat yang dilawannya sebenarnya adalah saudara kandungnya, wanita tua yang mencarinya adalah ibunya dan kepala inspektur adalah ayahnya serta sang hakim adalah pamannya dan seterusnya(. ….bingung ya….?)

7. Kata-kata Inggris yang biasanya muncul adalah (biasanya diucapkan keras2 di antara kalimat) No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossib le!, Please forgive me!

8. Mereka berguling-guling dan berputar-putar sambil bernyanyi dari taman, lalu tiba-tiba langsung udah nari-nari lagi di gunung, terus (secara tiba-tiba juga) langsung dilanjutin lagi narinya di pantai, sampe akhirnya balik lagi ke taman.

9. Mereka bisa berlari mengelilingi pohon kelapa, bernyanyi, saling memandang dan memalingkan muka menggoda dan berganti pakaian pada waktu yang sama tanpa menarik nafas….

10. Jika menari dan menyanyi selalu berpelukan, sang jagoan mencium leher si wanita dan menarik selendangnya atau tangannya.

11. Polisinya selalu jadi bulan-bulanan, dan selalu tunduk dan taat pada orang kaya atau saudagar (mirip di Indonesia, ya? Polisinya pada tunduk sama orang-orang berduit…)

12. Biasanya bila sedang adegan duel atau berkelahi antara jagoan dan banditnya, pasti selalu ada tumpukan drum kosong atau tumpukan kardus kosong dan gerobak. Biasanya sih buat dijadiin tempat mendarat bua t musuhnya sehabis dibanting sama sang jagoan.

13. Biasanya nama sang jagoan kalo nggak Raja ya pasti Raju. Dan nama sang Banditnya adalah Tuan Thakur, Tuan Singh, Tuan Bhahadur (ibunya jagoan sama bandit sama-sama nggak kreatif ngarang nama buat anaknya…)

14. Saat – saat adegan terakhir kekasih jagoan disandera oleh bandit, setelah itu duel antara jagoan dan bandit. Sudah dapat ditebak sang bandit pasti kalah dan saat akan menghembuskan napas yang terakhir si bandit mengakui kesalahannya (insaf-nya telat, ya…)

15. Si jagoan bertemu dengan kekasihnya lalu berpelukan dan bernyanyi udah deh tamat.

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Bos dan Bawahan Part II

10/07/2009

bos

Jika KITA yang jadi BOS dan Orang Lain jadi Staff

Bila boss tetap pada pendapatnya, itu berarti beliau konsisten
Bila staff tetap pada pendapatnya, itu berarti dia keras kepala !

Bila boss berubah-ubah pendapat, itu berarti beliau fleksibel.
Bila staff berubah-ubah pendapat, itu berarti dia plin-plan !

Bila boss bekerja lambat, itu berarti beliau teliti.
Bila staff bekerja lambat, itu berarti dia tidak perform !

Bila boss bekerja cepat, itu berarti beliau smart.
Bila staff bekerja cepat, itu berarti dia terburu-buru !

Bila boss lambat memutuskan, itu berarti beliau hati-hati .
Bila staff lambat memutuskan, itu berarti dia telmi !

Bila boss mengambil keputusan cepat,
itu berarti beliau berani mengambil keputusan.
Bila staff mengambil keputusan cepat, itu berarti dia gegabah !

Bila boss terlalu berani mengambil resiko, itu berarti beliau risk taking.
Bila staff terlalu berani mengambil resiko, itu berarti dia sembrono !

Bila boss tidak berani mengambil resiko, itu berarti beliau prudent.
Bila staff tidak berani mengambil resiko, itu berarti dia tidak berjiwa bisnis !

Bila boss mem-by pass prosedur, itu berarti beliau proaktif-innovatif.
Bila staff mem-by pass prosedur, itu berarti dia melanggar aturan !

Bila boss curiga terhadap mitra bisnis, itu berarti beliau waspada.
Bila staff curiga terhadap mitra bisnis, itu berarti dia negative thinking !

Bila boss menyatakan sulit, itu berarti beliau prediktif-antisipat if.
Bila staff menyatakan sulit, itu berarti dia pesimistik !

Bila boss menyatakan mudah, itu berarti beliau optimis.
Bila staff menyatakan mudah, itu berarti dia meremehkan masalah !

Bila boss sering keluar kantor, itu berarti beliau rajin ke customer.
Bila staff sering keluar kantor, itu berarti dia sering kelayapan !

Bila boss sering entertainment, itu berarti beliau rajin me-lobby customer.
Bila staff sering entertainment, itu berarti dia menghamburkan anggaran !

Bila boss sering tidak masuk, itu berarti beliau kecapaian karena kerja keras.
Bila staff sering tidak masuk, itu berarti dia pemalas !

Bila boss minta fasilitas mewah, itu berarti beliau menjaga citra perusahaan.
Bila staff minta fasilitas mewah, itu berarti dia banyak menuntut !

………… dan masih banyak lagi.

Bila boss membuat tulisan seperti ini, itu berarti beliau humoris.
Bila staf membuat tulisan seperti ini, itu berarti dia :
frustasi
iri terhadap karir orang lain
negative thinking
barisan sakit hati
provokasi
tidak tahan banting
berpolitik di kantor
tidak produktif
tidak sesuai dengan budaya perusahaan
………..dan masih banyak lagi

…….. Ha ha ha ha ……….

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